I feel like…..what if ???

First of all Happy New Year 2067 to my lovely, smart and highly concerned girlfriend who I suppose to be my life friend if the future hold. And also congratulation for the successful completion of our 5 month relationship which seems like just a single eye blink. I wish it would prolong forever and flourish with ever spreading solidarity and happiness as well as prosperity as it existed in our past 5 month. I am very lucky and I feel very privilege to have you in my life. My heartfelt gratitude for supporting me and supporting our ever long lasting relationship which stands on trust and mutual understanding.

There are seven days in a week. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday is a office day. My presence in the office is must where my attendance is mandatory because it assures the completion of the research project before deadline. Not only that, I also makes sure my grades for Internship evaluation are fine. Remaining Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are my college days where I have to attend the class, document the lectures, complete the assignments. Remaining Saturday is the only day which I used to enjoy as a free day but then that also nowadays is being used in helping my colleagues of different colleges. There I have to share my journalistic skills with my junior colleagues studying in different colleges of Kathmandu. That is the platform where I can m share my knowledge with others who shares a common ambition and future expertise. At a surficial look it seems like I am busy whole week. But I should not miss here to state that I have a beautiful, highly concerned, smart and intelligent girlfriend with whom my relationship is completing the fifth month today April 13.

Let me shade light on November 13, 2011. That was the turning point of life when I proposed her. That day was like any ordinary day but the level of commitment to chose a girl in my life was something which was not ordinary because that was for the remaining life left to live for my small world.

Todays something absurd, horrible and uncomfortable stuffs are hunting my mind. Some kind of fear is emerging in me. Some sort of thoughts like loosing her without any reason, allusions like the gap of our date is month long though in real it is not more than 4 days. Every time I meet her, it’s a different reception, a different smile, different level of pitch in her voice, a different sense of smell in her hair. I know she is the same with whom I have spent one of the most memorable an satisfied space and five month long time. Now I am afraid about the un-existing consequences of the past like what if I hadn’t proposed her. What if someone had proposed her before me? What if I had proposed someone other else? What if……offfffffffs.. this nonsense series of what if…is going to kill me if I I didn’t stop here.  Actually I was afraid that one guy named……… was going to approach her in the way I did before him. Its very uncomfortable to imagine the situation where I am out and that guy was in. I mean I feel very insecure to hypothesize her as somebody’s girlfriend when the reality is that she my girlfriend. She is the one whom I have that level of proximity which I don’t share with anyone. Its been 3-4 days since I haven’t met her and my mind is about to rupture. I feel like my mind is taking the shape of completely filled water dam which is about the burst. At this right moment I am missing my girlfriend very much so I am writtin these stuffs just to console myself that everything is fine. But the crucial question remained why I miss her so much? I mean I have already spent my more than 20 years without her. so how the entrance of a girl in your life can make such a big change such that her absence for a while also make you realize a big lacking in the moment you are living. blog

Well, I don’t know the exact reason. What I can do is just throw some guesses on the basis of my past life and feelings and my perception of this world and about the people around me. Personally my life has always been lonely. I never opted big friend circle. You know those guys gangs, walking together occuping the total width of the road, ragging other, ear-bursting laugh, high ego, obligations towards one another, show offs etc. I was never part of such over social group. I had rarely one or two friends whom I used to share some of my problems and most of the time my never ending but lasting stack of layers of frustrations. My frustrations due to being far from my parents interms of geographical proximity. My frustrations due to not being able to eat the food cooked by my mother’s hand. My frustration due to not being able to have what other used to have like technological electronic gadgets, excellent grades, attending parties, big muscular and tightly swollen arms + chest, 220 cc Pulsar bikes etc. But that was only momentarily or short term needs which gets erased from my mind with a single call from my dad or mom or lovely family stay with my sister. That means whenever I used to be with in the boundary of my family then the level of frustrations used to go down but that boundary seemed to disappear slowly, my frustrations or the feeling of emptiness used to rise.

My girlfriend is a part of my life and my family as well. That may be the reason my level of frustrations has sharply gone down. Rather my urgency towards work and dedication towards my job has increased. I am and I must be very happy that five month long relations with her has some how compensated that irreparable loss in my past life. She deserves a bit more than a thanks from me. A flying kisss….to my smart girlfriend. hehe

I want to be one of your well-wishers whom you can notice

Today after we had walk and departed in the evening before dinner, I could sense silver lining of worries in your eyes. That is killing me inside. It’s making me rethink where I have failed to give what I have. After you shared that one of your classmates’ gestures might create situation which may not support your healthy friendly relation that is to prolong ahead, I was worried. You classmate act is not the one which made me worried but the impact that I often get to see in your ever smiling face due to such situation thrills my level of motivation. But still and no matter what ever happen to your daily life, I love you in the way I used to. I always want to see you smiling, satisfied and tension-free despite whatever situation you have to face. I also believe that such awkward situations, the moment of confusion regarding how to response or the fear of the unexpected consequences that might hurt the healthy friendly relation comes and go. I am relieved in one way that you share me your problem but sometimes I can’t help myself thinking about your worries.

Like in the morning, how you laugh and smiled (after watching the webcam video) was something I wished it would prolong forever. Seeing you sad-free always has been my choice. And personally i had always wanted to be a part of that blissful moment when you are in smiling like Lilly flower. I don’t know why i am being too possessive towards you. I mean besides being a close companion to me, you have your own friend circle, you family life to cherish, you classmates to hang on. They are your space which I should never encroach. But my selfish desire is to observe you tense free and easy going in that space also. I should always respect your space and your interest. The space between you and me is always secured, that I want you to know.

With the moving time, my level of possessive feeling towards you has sharply grown. I don’t know whether it is natural or not but i think it is the time itself that will assist me to handle situations and help me getting on with you easily. You can’t imagine how lonely I was before you stepped in my life. Even I felt that warmness and togetherness only after I was with you. Before arrival, i used to boast myself as a “bindass” guy who have nothing to take and nothing to give. But I was wrong. Your presence has made me realize that I was incomplete without your companion. I don’t know whether I am complete or not but as a human my being with you has helped me to cope with most of the lingering issues in my life. A sense of security, optimum level of optimism and warmth of togetherness are some of them I achieved after being with you. I just want to see you smiling and feel secured about everything that has been invited after our togetherness. You study, your space and you problem facing ability should boost up rather than being down. It would be my privilege to be part of everything that create wink in your face and feel contended with whatever (favorable or unfavorable) happenings in your life. I want to be one of the many well-wishers that you can notice. Nothing more to say. I just love you. I love you perhaps that “love” things was always there between you and me. The time has made me realize it and confess it to you. I just want to be with you not necessarily in geographical proximity but in our sense of togetherness which I hope will flourish like ever spreading cloud during monsoon in the sky.

(Here are more flowers for you…..)

Flowers for You VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

For me She is...

My laptop dextop was covered with a bright, beautiful and attractive picture of my girlfriend and Prabhat sir, my all time friend in office happened to saw. He asked, - "who is she?" in a single breathe. Confidently I replied, "She is my girlfriend". His gestures in reaction were not new to me. Later he asked about her home and carrier background and so did I go on replying one after another. Finally he asked one question that stroked my mind and impelled me to rethink about my act. He wasn't sure whether the word "girlfriend" in my context was the same word being used by other jerks that change their girlfriend on regularly basis like it has been a fashion in a newly glocalized city Kathmandu. In my case, I had never been relationship before. That girl in my dextop was the first ever official girlfriend of my life and I was not in my mood or any psychological condition to change because she had become a part of my life. My happiness and my completeness were now somehow connected to her choices and interests. My time was the shared moment with her. My smiles could be seen reflected on hers. My life was somehow her stake and vice-verse. So, without a single glitch I shot my oral confirmation on remaining with her tills the time support because what future hold for us, we never know.

Future is something which is out of everybody's reach. What we can do is just predict, plan and move ahead with best attempt. I mean, there is no guarantee that the things or the moment of different taste that has been with us till the present will prolong further. Even there is no guarantee that I will leave in next 24 hour. There are so many times when I travel in overly crowded bus, walk hastily along the dangerous highway, ride the bike or even walk in night through the grassy and swampy way. Death is there in every moves of mine but it doesn't mean that I got to stop of that fear. There is either life or death. My choice is life and till the life supports me, I am going to be with my girlfriend with whom I am happy, satisfied, interactive, and angry sometimes and calm and steady most of the time. She is perfect for a imperfect jerk life me. I mean what I believe is that she can be the only one who can guide me in right path when I am need of one who is of same age and same thought to that of me.

I also believe that changing girlfriend or boyfriend must not have been anybody's area of interest or fun. what is there fun anyway in starting over and over the same process of introducing one another, waiting for the right moment to strike the emotional cord of both heart, sharing intimate and private information, confessing weakness and applauding one another’s strengths etc. This is tedious, isn't it? I mean for once it is fine but over again and again it’s something like beating in the air with nil productivity and waste of time and resources.  Breaking hearts shouldn't be anybody's choice. What is the essence of any kind of relationship if it doesn’t add happiness and satisfaction to your life? For me, this relationship or love whatever is a “part of my life” like study, breakfast, assignment. I mean I need to be honest with all those stuff. Its more responsibility than fun for me. When I am going to learn to handle relation if I don’t start nowadays along these present growing hours?

What Prabhat sir guessed based on what he saw around is tedious, isn't it? I mean for once it is fine but over again and again it’s something like against wisdom and human ethics. Breaking hearts and leaving someone you love for other like him/her shouldn't be anybody's choice. What is the essence of relationship if it doesn’t add happiness and satisfaction to the already stack of feelings in your life? For me, this relationship or love whatever is a “part of my life” like study, breakfast, assignment. I mean I need to be honest with all those stuff. It’s more responsibility for me than fun. After all when I am going to learn to handle relation when I don't learn in this growing hour? My girlfriend is at first hand is a normal human for me like any others human being with whom I should behave righteously and morally. Secondly, she is female. That means her interest and mechanism of getting things done, reaction to different level of emotions, her choice over making decisions and her needs differ from me because I am guy. So understanding those differences should the base of our relationship if we are to march ahead normally and naturally ahead as a human and secondly as a close companion to one another.

After reading this blog, Prabhat sir I guess should be convinced about who she is for me. What say Prabhat sir?